THE DISAPPOINTMENTS ROOM (2016)

When dredging the depths of random Netflix movies, I try to go in blind as much as possible. Partially it saves me some of the suspense, whether good or bad, and partially it's just that for niche genres, I just don't trust most mainstream critics. But, with THE DISAPPOINTMENTS ROOM, I was surprised I had never heard a peep about it, with a solid B-list actor like Kate Beckinsale headlining. Lo and behold, this movie bears a resounding 0% on Rotten Tomatoes. "But I'm  solid twenty minutes in," I say to myself. "It's not great but it's not THAT awful."
I was wrong, kids. I was so wrong.

THE DISAPPOINTMENTS ROOM, aside from being a solid nickname for my ex-girlfriend's bedroom, starts out as a pretty by-the-numbers ghost story. Family reeling from the loss of a child relocates to a fixer-upper Old Creepy House(tm), see strange things and find a mysterious locked room in the attic.
On finally getting it open, they discover it was where a wealthy family kept their deformed child locked away, much like everyone involved in this film should hide all evidence of it's existence.

The movie's not scary in the slightest, the writing is shaky at it's very best, and this is quite easily one of the most laughable scores I've ever encountered. The movie relies on having extremely loud, melodramatic music swells for the most random damn things. Montage of someone cooking? BRASS SECTION! Someone looking over blueprints? SHRIEKING VIOLIN. There were a few parts where it was so bizarre and out-of-place I started cracking up just from how absurd it all was. The afore-mentioned montage led to me having to pause the movie because I was laughing so hard at the combination of cooking, someone drinking a glass of vodka, and someone digging up a grave. All shot for maximum drama, all inexplicably set to dollar store John Williams.

Shut up, Bird.

There's nothing wrong with the setup, really, or the main cast. Beckinsale is definitely the weakest link, but to be fair I can't say I was watching UNDERWORLD for her amazing acting skills. For whatever godforsaken reason, they opted to give her the same blonde, wavy hairdo that afflicted 75% of all female leads in 2000s horror, and also unfortunately makes her look exactly like Dee Reynolds from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Once you see it, you can't unsee it. Her character could have been very interesting with better writing and acting, exploring more of the horror of someone who's fighting mental illness following the death of a child. Except this is THE DISAPPOINTMENTS ROOM, and hoooooo boy does it deliver on the disappointment.

But the real cherry on top of this shit-sundae? That ending. Oh, that fucking ending. I see this trainwreck when I close my eyes. This thing will require years of alcohol and suppression, just so I can push it down into my own mental disappoints room. The ending that accomplishes nothing, clarifies nothing, and somehow tries to wrap up the movie in ten, woefully unsatisfying minutes. The pacing on this film is roughly equivalent to a rusty, decrepit train crashing headfirst into a concrete wall.

It's not just badly written, it's dumber than a bag of rocks, and simply just dumps exposition over everything like a champagne baptism for this shitshow. I don't often yell at the TV, but when the credits started rolling I couldn't help myself. "Are you fucking kidding me?" No. No, it's not. It's not even bad in a way where you can readily laugh and make fun of it with friends. Oh no. That would be too much for this trash compactor.

Spare yourself and use the evening for something more constructive and pleasant, like sticking pennies in outlets or practicing self-trepanation.

Technically this passes the Bechdel test. I guess that's something.

1 out of 5

This movie is available for streaming on Netflix.